The clarity of seeing

 

Lately I’ve been doing a bit of soul-searching. And boy, have the epiphanies come falling at me like sweet, sweet rain after months of draught. This came about as a result of me feeling a bit lonely and ‘superfluous’, if you like. I wanted affection, unconstrained, of the kind reserved for that one special person. Or so I thought. After fooling myself with these thoughts for some time, I suddenly realised that I was wrong. Wanting something like that – that’s not me. That’s who society tells me I should be. Me – I want freedom; to chase across those green pastures, wind in my hair, a smile on my face. No sorrows, no worries, no attachments – just an abundance of life.

I realised that the only person whose company I will ever truly treasure is my own, and now is most likely the best time for me to enjoy that. I’m not saying that I will necessarily change as I grow older, but let’s face it; the possibility exists that somebody, someday, might want to constrain my freedom and have my wild personality around at all times. So I really ought to make the most out of this opportunity to be utterly selfish and do only what I think will be good for me, and not have to worry about the effects my actions can have on people that are close to me. Because there won’t be any. And this is what I want.

I discovered that I can have whatever I want. The snobbishness of that sentence is likely to make everyone who reads it reel backwards and call me a haughty bitch, but that’s okay. Nothing comes for free, and I put every ounce of effort I’ve got into achieving my goals. No one has ever been allowed to tell me what I can or can’t do; only I get to do that. And I say, reach for the stars, but bring a big fucking ladder if you want to entertain even the slightest hope of getting there. I think the fact that I’ve only ever really had myself to think about is what has led me this far, and that’s exactly what’s going to take me even further. I don’t want to share my life with anyone else, I’m too preoccupied at the moment; chasing after the arrows I shoot in front of me. Sure, I might get sidetracked from time to time, but I’m mainly on a steady course, and I know what I want.

Another thing that came to me is that the reason why I’m still in this position where it’s just me, living in my own world free of boundaries, possibly stems from the fact that despite me thinking that I wanted to be with someone, and have been searching for that right person, deep down I knew that it wasn’t what I really wanted, so it never happened. I believe in fate, and I find it fascinating how people just seem to appear in my life at times when I need them the most, change my life in some way, and then just as often disappear again. It’s funny, I always thought people exploited me – now that I think about it, maybe I’m the one exploiting other people. I should fit straight in with the people in the film industry, then.